we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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