I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
