ya dads aren't the best wingmen
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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