i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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