im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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