The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
