so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
