Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
