I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
