I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm both gender and math confused
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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