Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
