Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
