You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
