nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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