I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
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THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
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If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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