Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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