I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
