Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
