It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
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