i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
