I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
