kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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