Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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