I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
