Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
