and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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