I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
