I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
