omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
