Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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