but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
