did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize