I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
