He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
