He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
