allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
