It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
