After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just invented taco cereal.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
