There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
