I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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