let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
