im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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