I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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