So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
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I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
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We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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