just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
