the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
