i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My pussy is not your playground.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
