One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
