She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
