I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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