So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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