I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
That accounts for only three of the penises
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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