Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
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I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
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I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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