she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
