swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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