I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
just found out that she named her cat after me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
