i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
