I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
