Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
